Some helpful wisdom for when...you want someone you can't have

There's a beautiful French phrase that I adore which refers to unrequited or unreciprocated love. It is La Douleur Exquise: The heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can't have. What I particularly love about this phrase is how beautiful and romantic it sounds, even though the meaning behind it is absolutely tragic.

We've all been there before and there really is nothing worse than wanting or having feelings for someone you can't have - whatever reason that may be. We've all experienced that horrible gut feeling when we see someone we adore with another person - it really is the most horrible thing in the world. But what can you do? If you like or love someone who doesn't feel the same or who is already in a relationship, you're doomed to suffer, loving them from afar. You can't exactly break up their relationship or force someone to love you. But there are some ways to deal with the situation - it's the worst thing feeling like you'll never move on, but you will. Here's some ways to deal with that horrible feeling.

• Put some space between you and that person. If you see them on a regular basis, it's only going to add to your feelings. If you have some space away from them, you'll find that out of sight means out of mind and eventually those feelings just might go away.
• Accept that if you were supposed to be with them and that if they really did feel the same way, they would be with you = it's as simple as that. Obviously if they are already in a relationship it is a bit more complicated, but at the end of the day if they still truly cared about you and wanted to be with you, they'd be doing everything they could to make it happen.
• You could try talking to the other person about how you feel. Generally, if they're in a relationship, you shouldn't really do this. However if you get on well and it really is effecting you badly, then perhaps this could be a last resort. At the very worst, if they don't return your feelings, they'll at least be aware that you feel that way and take that into consideration, possibly making a bigger effort not to give off mixed messages or partake in public displays of affection with others in front of you.
• Find someone else to fancy - it'll be a nice distraction and could always lead onto something more.
• Think about how it's effecting you and put yourself first. It's so easy to fall into the routine of liking or loving someone from afar and just 'putting up with it' because it's easier. But it's not, and essentially it's just making you miserable. Why would you want to pine after someone you can't have when in doing so you're probably missing out on chances to be with someone who really wants to be with you?

• Scream it out! Y'know that moment when you see them kiss someone other than you and you just get so frustrated? Rather then doing something you'll regret like lashing out at them, find another way to get rid of your frustration and try just screaming the problem out until the image leaves your mind.
• Think about why you fell for this person. If you find you easily fall for people who are already taken, it could mean something in the long run like about what you feel you deserve deep down. You know you deserve someone who returns your feelings and you deserve better.
• Don't mistake how you feel for something more than it is. It can get quite exciting when you get close to someone who's already taken, especially if they flirt with you or return your feelings (but similarly can't be with you). When this happens, its so easy to confuse a simple crush with something much more because of the thrill of it all. Don't go declaring your undying love for them when you just fancy them!
• If they do feel the same but can't be with you because they're already in a relationship - talk it through and do things properly. Don't cheat, even if you both feel their relationship is failing and they'd be better with you. Even if they end things with that person to be with you, it'll forever hang over your heads and you'll never get over it. That's never a way to start a new relationship with someone. If by any chance you do find yourself in this situation, do things properly. Give them space to think about what they want and how things are going in their relationship and eventually, if they do become single, give them time and space before you think about making a move on them.

If none of that works then perhaps it's time to accept that life can be a bitch and sometimes things just aren't meant to be. Don't pine over them, but instead think of the positives of the situation, like how you took the mature route and didn't cheat, or how soon enough someone who really wants you and deserves you will be on their way and you won't have to fight for their attention.

Some helpful wisdom for when...you're going through a break up

Absolutely everyone suffers a break up at least once in their life and unfortunately, it's always really tough. It doesn't matter how long you were together for or even why you broke up - it will always be hard and unfortunately, it never gets any easier. However, sometimes a few of us are always victim to making the break up harder on ourselves - I find it hard to let go of people and I'm very much a fighter when it comes to relationships - rarely ever giving up - so I know that I've made things hard on myself in the past for dragging things out. Although there's never one right way to 'get over' someone (and in all honesty I believe that you're never quite over someone till the next person comes along), there are some tips that can help.

• First and foremost, cut of all contact. And I mean ALL ties - blocking and deleting numbers stops you giving in, as well as blocking on Facebook and other means of talking. You've got to be nasty to be nice here to give them a chance to move on. Absolutely no good can come out of still being in contact with an ex after you've split, even though you may think comforting each other would be helpful as essentially you're going through exactly the same thing. However, it actually drags out the relationship and having that person still in your life not only makes it harder to move on, but also may cause more pain as they start to move on and see other people themselves. I believe you actually have a better chance of getting back with somebody - if that's what you want - if you cut all ties immediately. Giving each other that space will give you both more perspective on the situation, as well as a chance to miss each other. Once you've begun to heal and there's still something there, you've got more chance of working things out as you've had a bit of a break.
• Keep yourself busy. Nights are always the toughest, but if you keep yourself busy throughout the day - taking up a new hobby, reading, writing etc then you'll be too busy to even think of your ex.
• Have some fun with someone else - IF you can handle it. Of course there's no better distraction then in the arms of a really fit bloke who you can have meaningless sex with, but only if you can handle the meaningless part. If you find it tough to let go of people anyway, it's probably not a good idea. But if you're missing the sexy times of a relationship and that's all then go for it!
• ...but try and be discreet about it. You might think making your ex jealous will help - and sometimes little things like uploading a pretty picture on Facebook and receiving lots of comments does help - but how would you feel if you found out they'd immediately met someone else and was having meaningless sex? A bit of harmless jealously is all fun and games until it actually starts to hurt someone. You don't want to intentionally hurt your ex, nor do you want to gain a reputation for yourself.

• Look on the bright side of things. Yes, it sucks big time. But it also means you get to put yourself first. You don't have to deal with all the negative parts of the relationship anymore and although you'll still be sad while you're getting over them, in the end you'll be happy and not upset or suffering from the issues you had in the relationship. You can waste money on yourself again, you don't have to put up with wet towels on the bed or stuff like that and eventually, you can finally start experiencing that beautiful feeling of butterflies on a first date again. 
• Don't put yourself down about things. Loads of people lose a lot of confidence when they become single again as they feel like they are not good enough - not smart enough, not pretty enough etc. But really think about it - is your ex really the type of person to dump you over looks? Of course not! Try and see the upside of being single and embrace yourself in flirting with lots of sexy men.
• When you're ready, think about why you actually did break up and learn from it. People break up because of all sorts of things - trust issues, communication issues etc. When you get to the point of when you might feel ready to meet someone new, make sure you understand what failed in your last relationship and try and work on a few of these issues so the problems don't repeat themselves.
• Transform yourself. Once you're ready, a new haircut/hair colour or wardrobe is the best way to signify the new you.
• Shit happens. Accept it. Sometimes it's best to just accept that it didn't work and know that if things were meant to work out, you'd still be together now. You can't mess with fate.

• Make yourself happy. I know it seems obvious, but most of us forget this small reminder. Ever find yourself crying at night cause you miss him? You know what stops you crying? Laughing. If you're really feeling down, watch your favourite comedian on Youtube or a hilarious movie and soon you'll be giggling and your mind wont be on that person anymore - plus you'll be happy again, if even for a moment.
• Start a blog, diary or otherwise. Sometimes when you're out keeping yourself busy, you don't actually take note of your own feelings. Starting a blog or a diary is a great idea to get those thoughts out of your head and feel a bit better, rather then bottling them up. Sometimes it might even help to write a letter to your ex, explaining why he hurt you and what you're going through. Don't send it, but it will definitely make you feel better. Likewise, a blog is perfect for when you get to that point when you're ready to put yourself out there - dating blogs can lead onto some great opportunities (just don't let your ex's friends get hold of the URL....)
• Always, always ALWAYS delete their number before a night out. Drunk dialing your ex is NEVER a good idea. At the very least, you'll feel closure for maybe five minutes, only to feel extremely embarrassed the following morning. At the very worst you'll end up doing something silly and wake up with them the next morning, having to start 'getting over them' all over again from square one.

However, remember there are always times when you'll feel like you're not quite there. As mentioned before, I really do believe you never get over someone until you meet someone else special. You can be 99% over someone, but there will always be that tiny snippet at the back of your mind when you're feeling lonely or on a particularly bad day. I genuinely believe everyone has this 1% of feeling or something at least until they meet the next special person to occupy their heart and mind. And in a way, it's very true that you're always getting over someone until you find someone else.

Those are just a few general tips that personally have helped me or friends in the past, whether it be short term or long term. But overall, as tough as it is, the best solution is just time. You can never rush a break up and even if you feel attached to them much longer than you think you should, you should never feel guilty for it. It's hard to define when you're actually 'over' someone as you go through different stages and are constantly moving towards that point. The best part is, however, when you can say you still care for them, but in a different way. When you are able to care for them in that way where you just want to see them happy and can accept the relationship for what it was, appreciate it and be glad that it happened, then perhaps that's when you've finally accepted that you can move on and be happy.

Some helpful wisdom for when...things aren't right in a relationship

Unfortunately, not everything lasts forever and sometimes no matter how much you love someone, it has to come to an end. Relationships end for a number of different reasons - from cheating & having lack of trust, to living too far apart or just wanting to be single. In this post I'm focusing on when sometimes you just know things aren't right, which is quite vague and can cover a lot of different reasons really.

This subject is something that's been quite prominent to me in the past year or so - both to me personally and also to someone close to me. Despite myself and most people I know being completely settled in their relationships - living with someone, being pretty serious, things just weren't right. And that's the tough part - when you've been with someone for so long and they practically are your other half, how are you supposed to end something like that just because you've got a gut feeling that things aren't right?

You can work on things, of course. If you're lucky and you're good at communication, you can talk things through and get to the bottom of the problem. But some people aren't so lucky and I can't explain what it feels like to be in that situation. For me personally, having never even ended things with someone before (on my terms, as in I'd never dumped someone), it was really hard for me as I didn't know if my doubts were genuine or not. All I knew was that something wasn't right, and because of that I began to feel suffocated. 

What I think though is that when you do start to have doubts, then something is obviously wrong - as hard as it is to admit that. But how can you accept this - accept that just knowing things are wrong means ending things with someone you love and have built a life with? Breaking up with people is tough enough as it is, but breaking up with them for what seems like no legit reason is even harder, especially if you're in a serious relationship. 

Sometimes you have to just bite the bullet though and accept that when it comes to ending things, it's going to be extremely tough. The more history you have with someone, the harder it's going to be. And although it's tough, you have to remember that you survived just fine before you met this person, so you can do it again.

Image found via google, image from 'The Break Up'

I personally found it extra tough because there wasn't one thing in particular about mine and my ex's relationship that made me miserable. I still loved him and loved being with him and in the relationship - I wasn't 100% happy, but I wasn't particularly miserable either. So we ended up plodding along, because even if your relationship isn't amazing, you're still with someone so it's better than being alone, right?

However, once I remembered how happy I was before I met him - or at least before things started to go downhill with us - I realized that the grass really was greener on the other side, even if I wouldn't be happy right away. And I realized that I had to go through some really tough shit to get to that point. The way I saw it, I could be 'alright and just plodding along' forever, or I could man up, have a really bad few months or whatever, and then come out of the whole experience happier then ever. So that's exactly what I did, and boy was it tough. I regretted it immediately, and months later when I thought I should be over him, I was still miserable. I doubted if I'd made the right decision and I couldn't really see myself being happy again.

Now though? I AM so much happier and I was right. By realizing that things weren't right between us and putting myself through it all, I did come out as much happier and now I can't believe I put it off for so long.

Image found via Google

So what I mean is, you have to accept that it will be tough and hard. But you need to remember how worth it it will be eventually, even if you can't see it yet.

And when you do realize, remind yourself that by ending things you're doing the right thing for the both of you. Even though you're hurting them, you still love them and want them to be happy. So by letting them go, you're giving them the chance to be happy and one day be happy with someone else too. Once you remember this, it won't seem so bad.

Someone close to me recently went through this. At 34 years old, they were at the age where they were starting to think of the next step, where it was time to get married or have children or something similar. They had been with their boyfriend for over 10 years, on and off, though for the past five had been extremely happy. They lived together - owning a house in a beautiful village - where they were very settled, having close friends all around the village. They were, essentially, married - they had joint bank accounts, a mortgage - the lot. But she knew something wasn't right, yet having to end things after over 10 years together and having so much together? It was tough and she found it so hard to make up her mind. But despite all this, it just wasn't worth sticking around when she could be happier elsewhere. So she made the extremely hard decision of moving on from the relationship and now I can't believe how much happier she is. The hard stuff was worth it and everyone can tell instantly the difference it made to her. It just proved the fact that at some points, you DO have to put yourself first.

There's no point wasting your life plodding along - especially when you're young - when you could actually be spending this time going out and having fun or being with the right person eventually. It just isn't worth it, no matter how hard it is making that big change.

So if you're concerned things 'just aren't right' and you can't fix them, man up, bite the bullet and end it. It will benefit you both so much in the end, but be prepared for tough times ahead. Nothing ever worth having comes easy. The tougher it will be, the more happier you will be when you wake up one day and can finally realize that you can't remember the last time you thought of them or cried about them and you're at last over them.

And finally remember that in 10 years time (hopefully when you're with the right person!) NONE of this will matter, and you'll wonder why you took so long worrying about something that was really quite simple.

Trust me, it's the right thing to do.

Have you ever been in a situation like this? What other issues would you like to see addressed in this 'Words of Wisdom' feature? Please let me know!

Some helpful wisdom for when...you're fed up of being single

I've been thinking about doing a few posts like this for a while now and I thought when better to post it up than on a Monday?! It's the start of the week, the weekend is so far away and usually you get that Monday feeling - everything feels 10 times worse then it actually is. So here's my little gem of advice for why not everything is as bad as it sounds....

Ah the age old debate - is it better to be single or in a relationship? In a relationship you get unconditional love - you get protection, you get someone to rely on and create memories with, you get cuddles (and more!) and you get that lovely feeling deep in your tummy. But when you're single you get to do whatever you want without worrying how it will effect someone, you get first date upon first date upon first date (including those amazing first date butterflies) - in fact you get a lot of exciting firsts! You get to have fun and experience with different guys, each teaching you new and different things about love, dating, life and yourself. You can't really compare the two - at some points in your life you like being single, at others you like being in a relationship.

Unfortunately sometimes when you're single - no matter how much you love it - you do get a bit fed up and crave a relationship again (in fact sometimes when you're in a relationship you crave singleton, but that's another post for another time)...I absolutely love being single, but there are times when I miss being in a relationship. Generally we've all been at that point in life where it's not worked out with yet another guy and we start to wonder what's wrong with us and when/if we'll meet the right guy.

Image taken from Tumblr.com

But here's my helpful gem of advice. When I feel like that - I remind myself these things and instantly feel better. You have to date some guys that are wrong for you and you have to make mistakes before you meet the right guy. Why? Because every relationship is an experience. Every relationship, every fling - you all come away from them learning something new. It can be absolutely anything - you could learn just how important trust is in a relationship when it doesn't work out with someone through lack of trust. You could learn that by shutting yourself down during an argument - perhaps the way you deal with stress - doesn't really work and that communication is important. You might even learn that *those* types of guys are never good for you, or that by putting five kisses on the end of each text to your fling indicates that you're coming on too strong and therefore it scares him off.

Now, imagine for a second if you met the right guy - if you met the one - before you had all these experiences and learnt all these things. Imagine if you met someone who was absolutely perfect for you and you truly believed it was fate that brought you together. Got it? Now imagine that you never learnt just how important trust and communication is. Just think about what would happen (like what happened in all those other relationships) if you and your partner didn't trust each other and didn't communicate with each other. It would slowly wear you both down and tear you apart. If you messed that up with the one guy you were meant to be with, with the guy who you were meant to one day marry, you'd kick yourself, right? You'd lose the love of your life simply because you never experienced what it does to a relationship when you don't trust someone or communicate with them. And there are so many other things to learn, but trust and communication is just a general example.

That's why you have to date a lot of idiots before you can meet the right guy. To learn from the relationships so when the real thing rolls around, you'll get it right. Sure, you'll probably still mess up from time to time anyway - after all, everyone makes mistakes - but the right guy? He'll forgive you for these things. (What I mean here is that generally when the right person comes along he won't be like other guys and will be more forgiving, accepting that you make mistakes and forgiving you for one offs. However just so I'm not contradicting myself, as perfect as this guy might be for you, everyone can only take so much of something! So like I said in the paragraph before, this right guy will be more forgiving towards mistakes, but that doesn't mean he'll stick around with constant problems like lack of communication tearing a relationship apart because, after all, he's only human too!).

Image taken from Tumblr.com

My favourite quote of all time is 'Nothing worth having ever comes easy' (Said by Bob Kelso from Scrubs, naturally!) and that's so, so true. Every bad relationship you have is just gearing you up for the right one. All the tears you cry, all the break ups you have to go through - that's why! And even more so, the more bad stuff you go through, the more you'll appreciate it when you get to finally go through the good stuff with the right one.

So yeah, being single sucks sometimes. And maybe that one night stand last weekend didn't teach you too much (except that a bit of fun is okay sometimes) BUT it all works out in the end. And the best part is knowing that somewhere out there, there's someone perfect for you. Someone who loves all the things you love, but isn't scared to challenge you every once and a while. I don't know what the perfect person is like for you, but they're there somewhere. Personally every time I endure a break up, it helps me realize what I will and won't tolerate in a relationship. Yes, every ex boyfriend and every ex fling, I'm looking at you - none of you took me to Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park! But thank you very much for that because it taught me that the right guy will love Christmas just as much as I do and will take me there without me having to even ask! And then something bubbles deep inside me and I get excited about when this perfect guy will eventually come along. Because there is nothing better then sharing your life with someone, when the time is right and when the person is right. And there's nothing more exciting when you know that special person is out there probably thinking the same as you, waiting to meet you.

Other reasons why you might be single right now -

• You deserve better than the guys you know right now
• It might just not be the right time for something serious at the moment
• You don't have to put up with the bad points of a relationship like being cheated on or lied to
• The guy you're meant to be with might not even be single himself yet
• Shia LaBeouf/Ryan Reynolds/Ian Somerhalder (delete as appropriate) hasn't moved to your hometown yet, and we all know you couldn't have a long distance relationship with them (or go too long without seeing their sexy bodies!)
• You might simply not be ready for a relationship right now - you've had enough of the serious stuff and just want a bit of fun for the meantime
• You're only young - you don't want to settle down with the right guy too early and regret later on in life not having enough fun (with other men or otherwise!)
• You're just not ready right now - you're still trying to lose a bit of weight, you haven't taken that year out traveling yet and you're still trying to achieve your dream job - you want to be at your very best with your life as sorted out as it can be when you meet him, right?

So if you're single and you're finding it tough, just remember that. It'll all be worth it in the end and you might not see it now, but one day you'll understand why it didn't work out with anyone else. In the meantime, have fun getting out there and making mistakes because they'll only lead you to the right person in the end!

If you're single - do you ever feel like this? What about if you're in a relationship - are you now, on some level, thankful for your past and what its taught you? Leave me a comment below and let me know what you think - and keep your eye out for a similar 'helpful wisdom' post coming up soon - don't be afraid to suggest any subjects you'd like some advice on!